August 14, 2006

death by freeway

It's Friday night and I'm getting dressed to go out with some friends. A new wine bar opened downtown and we've made plans to indulge in copious amounts of vino. When I say indulge we'll all be taking a cab home. We each arrange for our respective husbands to drop us off at the wine bar. Savvy is scarcely about 1.5 miles from each of our homes. We each figure why drive when you shouldn't be or don't need to drive. I schlep into the kitchen to get some water. I glance at my cell phone on the counter. I have a message. I pick up my cell phone and dial the number to my voice mail. I sit and listened. The message is from my friend. I listen to the tone in her voice it sounds unsettled and intense. As I listen I over analyze every word and subtle pause in her message. The message relays that she had some bad news. The message is a day old.

I call her back and get her voice mail. I think to myself-this figures. I leave a message for her to call me when she can. I hope things are okay. My mind starts to wonder. Was there a death? Is she pregnant? What? I sit and wait for the phone to ring. When it comes to situations like this- HHMomma sits and worries. No call back for what seems like an hour in reality is barely 15 minutes. I am no longer getting ready for my evening. What can be wrong. I walk over to the computer and check my email. Passing time. Glad that I check. I have an email message to check my home phone. My friend left me a message.

Now the search for the home phone. I located the phone under a pillow on the couch. I pick it up and dial my voice mail. I listen to her message. She says that she thought I would want to know that my ex - boyfriend has attempted to commit suicide. I will call my ex T. The messages says that T jumped off the 680 (this is one of the major freeways here in the bay area -there is always traffic) over pass. I'm shaking. My hands are shaking. My heart drops. I wish I hadn't missed her call. I pace.

How does she know this information? What happened? Why would he do this? His family.

I reflect.

T and I had a very long volatile relationship. During the five years- it wasn't always this way. We had some good times. In fact we had some damn great times. The fact that we were young and we thought we where in love, didn't help our relationship any. Looking back, maybe we were in love. I know I loved him and he loved me, the best that we knew how. It just wasn't enough.

When I made the decision to leave the relationship. It was less then pretty. We had lived together during and after college. T just wasn't ready to let go of this relationship. I explained to him that he would be thankful and some point. It just wouldn't be easy to understand now. This was the end of us. We would both be better for it.

I recall seeing him about one week after I moved out. He showed a strong distain for me and was not civil. We have not talked or seen one another since this day. This was 10 years ago.

Over the years from common friends I had heard that he was married and has his own children. I still never inquired and no one ever told me much more. The fact that he had found someone to make him happy always made me happy. Because deep down T was a man with good intentions. The two of us were just not a match.

As I write this post today, I am none the smarter. I have no idea what happened regarding his suicide attempt and probably never will. The fact is I am no longer in touch with any of the mutual friends we once shared. Our lives have all taken different paths.

This news really shook me and I will always think of his attempt when I think of him. When you share a part of your life with someone, you always want the best for them even if you didn't end things on good terms. If you share a moment in which you love one another that should be all you need. This was all I needed. To know that I care.This is the same with any of my friends.

Which brings me to my quandary.

Now, while I am glad that my friend shared this news with me, at the same time it really shook me. It made me think how sad that after all this time, he is still in this dark place. Our relationship ended because of the dark place. This continued struggle with what ever it is that is making him unhappy. I feel sad for him.

If you were in this situation, would you want a friend to share this news with you?


Blogger Amy said...

I don't think I would want to know, honestly. I just wouldn't want to hear about it.

As innappropriate at the moment as it might be, I do want to thank you for renting the spot on my blog.

August 14, 2006 8:50 AM  
Blogger Mon said...

Oh, I'd want to know. One of my best friends told me my ex husband was married, because he called a kid his stepson...(no confirmation really other than that) and I cried for days. She felt awful for having told me, but I needed to know I guess. It told her I wanted to know. There is a reason for it.
I hope you get your explanation!!

August 14, 2006 9:30 AM  
Blogger Kailani said...

As depressing and sad as it may be, I think I would want to know. I think it would be harder for you if you found out after the fact.

August 14, 2006 2:14 PM  
Blogger bethrat said...

Baby Girl - I feel for you and yes, I'd want to know even if all I could do was send positive thoughts or a small prayer his way I'd want to know. We've talked about having people in this world who root for your and cheer you on through the valleys of life and will celebrate true joy with you along the way, without jealousy or contempt. You are one of those true friends who get out the pompoms for all of your crew. Even a wispered word of encouragement and guidance for a better life is not lost on ears that don't hear the sentiment. You cheer not only for the motivation of others but for yourself. It keeps you in touch with a kind heart and the person you have worked hard and survived to become. I know it hurts but its better to know. Sometimes I just wonder what else can I do - what is appropriate to do once you know. I don't think any action on your part is appropriate other than wishing good and healthy things for T.

August 14, 2006 3:56 PM  
Blogger Hothousemomma said...

thank you for all for your kind words. I agree I am glad she told me. The news just shook me a little.

August 14, 2006 6:24 PM  

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