August 14, 2006
death by freeway
I call her back and get her voice mail. I think to myself-this figures. I leave a message for her to call me when she can. I hope things are okay. My mind starts to wonder. Was there a death? Is she pregnant? What? I sit and wait for the phone to ring. When it comes to situations like this- HHMomma sits and worries. No call back for what seems like an hour in reality is barely 15 minutes. I am no longer getting ready for my evening. What can be wrong. I walk over to the computer and check my email. Passing time. Glad that I check. I have an email message to check my home phone. My friend left me a message.
Now the search for the home phone. I located the phone under a pillow on the couch. I pick it up and dial my voice mail. I listen to her message. She says that she thought I would want to know that my ex - boyfriend has attempted to commit suicide. I will call my ex T. The messages says that T jumped off the 680 (this is one of the major freeways here in the bay area -there is always traffic) over pass. I'm shaking. My hands are shaking. My heart drops. I wish I hadn't missed her call. I pace.
How does she know this information? What happened? Why would he do this? His family.
T and I had a very long volatile relationship. During the five years- it wasn't always this way. We had some good times. In fact we had some damn great times. The fact that we were young and we thought we where in love, didn't help our relationship any. Looking back, maybe we were in love. I know I loved him and he loved me, the best that we knew how. It just wasn't enough.
When I made the decision to leave the relationship. It was less then pretty. We had lived together during and after college. T just wasn't ready to let go of this relationship. I explained to him that he would be thankful and some point. It just wouldn't be easy to understand now. This was the end of us. We would both be better for it.
I recall seeing him about one week after I moved out. He showed a strong distain for me and was not civil. We have not talked or seen one another since this day. This was 10 years ago.
Over the years from common friends I had heard that he was married and has his own children. I still never inquired and no one ever told me much more. The fact that he had found someone to make him happy always made me happy. Because deep down T was a man with good intentions. The two of us were just not a match.
As I write this post today, I am none the smarter. I have no idea what happened regarding his suicide attempt and probably never will. The fact is I am no longer in touch with any of the mutual friends we once shared. Our lives have all taken different paths.
This news really shook me and I will always think of his attempt when I think of him. When you share a part of your life with someone, you always want the best for them even if you didn't end things on good terms. If you share a moment in which you love one another that should be all you need. This was all I needed. To know that I care.This is the same with any of my friends.
Which brings me to my quandary.
Now, while I am glad that my friend shared this news with me, at the same time it really shook me. It made me think how sad that after all this time, he is still in this dark place. Our relationship ended because of the dark place. This continued struggle with what ever it is that is making him unhappy. I feel sad for him.
If you were in this situation, would you want a friend to share this news with you?
email is fun
blogs that make me smile